Mowing, the Highlands of Scotland and CALM

Mowing, the Highlands of Scotland and CALM

By Bobby Neal Winters

 July is a treacherous month for those of us on the Great Plains who struggle under the tyranny of NALM, the National Association of Lawn Mowers.  

It’s all about rain.

Early in the year, we begin the mowing season by mowing every week. We could probably mow more often, but we can get by by mowing every week.  We are getting rain, and the daily temperature is low enough not to evaporate all of that rain.

As the spring turns to summer, the temperature goes up and--as a rule--the amount of rain we receive goes down.  Then, as a general rule, we can transition from mowing weekly to mowing every other week.  This usually occurs about the time of the Solstice.

Then comes July. 

I remember one summer a few years ago when the daily temperature was up around 100 and it stopped raining entirely.  I didn’t have to mow from the end of June until the last of October.

This was not a good thing.

More typically, I’ve only had to mow once in July by fudging a bit. Ignoring weeds and grass gone to seed.

This July is different, and I take the blame.

Jean and I went on a vacation to the Highlands of Scotland for almost two weeks.  It was an adventure to do while we still can, while we still have our health and good minds.

There was a lot of preparation because we were going to hike, but in addition to that, we had to prepare the house to leave.  For my part, I had to take care of the mowing.  This was made challenging because it was still raining fairly frequently.

Because of this, I had to hit a mark a day or two before we left, for fear of mowing too early and coming back to a very tall, challenging lawn, or waiting too late and missing the opportunity to mow at all because of rain.

NALM has standards.  You miss those to your peril. They can put injunctions on you; they can blackball you; they can look askance at you.

You don’t mess with NALM.

But regardless, I got my mowing done, gone on the plane, and made my way--along with my beautiful, long-suffering wife--to the Highlands of Scotland.

While there, I made some important discoveries.  Their weather forecasts are different than ours.  There are only a few: It may stop raining soon; the rain is going to let up a bit; it has stopped raining but it will start again soon; you might see some sunshine today.

At least, that is the way it seemed.

It did stop raining, and we did have a wonderful vacation, but as a result of the ample rain and bountiful summer sun, their lawns grow vigorously.  They are green and robust.  And, while I will mow at most once a week, I swear they must have to mow once in the morning and again in the afternoon.

At one of the bed and breakfast where we stayed, I asked the secret.

“How do you keep up with it?”

Our host replied with a smile.

“Marvin the Mower,” he said.

My face showed confusion.  It was explained to me that Marvin the Mower is a robot mower.  He’s battery-powered and he comes out, mows grass and gathers yard trash on a pre-programmed basis.

I was confused because such innovations are ruled-out by NALM.  One of NALM’s tenets is the use of lawn mowing for spiritual growth.  Having a robot to do your mowing for you subverts that purpose.

It turns out--and I shouldn’t’ve been surprised--that in the Highlands of Scotland they have a different lawn mowing association.  

In NALM, the National is the United States.  We organized first, so we claimed the easy names.

In the rest of the world it is different. In Australia, it is BALM. In South Africa, it is SAALM.  In the Highlands of Scotland, it is CALM.

CALM you say? Shouldn’t that go to Canada?

Canada took the low-hanging fruit, and just used NALM.  Some of them tried to style it as NAALM, the North American Association of Lawnmowers, but that extra A was just too much.

CALM comes from the Caledonian Association of Lawn Mowers.  Caledonia is the old Roman name for the Highlands of Scotland.

After having spoken to the guy at the bed and breakfast, I have to say the name fits. They are allowed to use robotic mowers and are given a lot more freedom.

The beauty of their lawns have not suffered for this.

I don’t know if NALM is ready for this yet or not.

In the meantime, we mow.

Bobby Winters, a native of Harden City, Oklahoma, blogs at redneckmath.blogspot.com and okieinexile.blogspot.com. He invites you to “like” the National Association of Lawn Mowers on Facebook. Search for him by name on YouTube.